Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Staying in Japan.

I always find myself telling people, I'll stay in Japan forever. I don't like planes as it is so I don't visit much and I really don't plan on every permanently going back.
I tend to be a person who says things and usually accomplished those things.

I was saying I would study abroad->graduate->get a job and move to Japan way before I finished high school. And, I did all of it. I had to figure things out along the way but I did it.

Now a'days my newest venture is that I will in fact stay here for the rest of my life. I plan to get married and be able to quit my job and be a housewife and have babies and happily ever after.

I honestly didn't really think much of it.
Until I wanted to go home. 
The many times I cried about missing my mom, and telling her my job was too much--I honestly thought about giving up my newest plan... but I really started to think about it.
Why was my subconscious so hell-bent on staying here~

I want to stay in Japan because...

Living in Miami scares the hell out of me.

Let's rewind to when I was a little tinier girl. My parents have always told me:
Don't go out at night.
Always watch you back.
Be careful of who you talk to.
Don't go anywhere by yourself (which changed when I was in high school).
Always carry your cellphone (from middle school for texting my mom).
The list goes on and on~

So needless to say, it would be obvious that I would end up with EXTREME anxiety. :)

I didn't grow up in the hood or anything, on the contrary, I grew up in a pretty decent suburb. No giant house or frequent trips to Disney kind of decent, but not dangerous or anything. And for the most part I lived in a cul-de-sac were I knew everyone and my family lived in it too. 
Either way, by the time I was old enough to really fathom the news and crime rates and everything, I realized that I was growing steadily more paranoid of even living in my own home. I worried someone would come in and do horrible things.

I had panic attacks when people would knock on the door or when people came to check the water/gas lines. I never answered the house phone and very rarely left the house.

When I did study abroad in Japan I felt--safe. Now I am fully aware that Japan has crime and it's not completely none existent or anything. But I don't feel like I have to look over my shoulder every five seconds.
This doesn't mean that my anxiety has poofed away or anything. I still make sure I have my house keys in hand when I get out of my car and OCD check that I locked my door upon leaving, even if it is to just throw away trash. But the actual rate of getting robbed or shot is, considerably low compared to where I grew up.

So, despite the times when I'm down missing my mom every second of every day, and missing food that I can actually properly eat often, and Taco Bell, I stay here, by choice, because I feel safe.

I am a mama's girl and an only child, so for me it IS a big deal when I miss my family. I have a good job and a loving boyfriend here, but for someone who has never properly left my mom's side--it's a struggle, but I have decided long before I even realized it--I will stay probably forever.

No comments:

Post a Comment