Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Real Talk: Being Homesick

I am a mommy's girl...
(and a daddy's girl.)
I dedicate this post, to my mommy. ★
Growing up in Miami, I feel like everyone is really close to their family. Many households have the main family, and the grandparents living with them. My family is not THAT close, but, growing up, I lived in a town house complex where my cousins lived two houses away from me and my grandmother and aunt and uncle lived 2minutes down the street. As a result, there was almost always a party at my cousins house and big birthdays were usually celebrated at my grandmothers house. Needless to say, I was and have always been very close to my family. (Probably doesn't help that my grandmother is Argentinian, and she married a Columbian a bit later in life--so get-togethers all the time is pretty much a given.)
My mother and I are the closest, that I've ever really known anyone to be. My parents are both former Marines, so I was brought up fairly strict--or so they tell me. As an only child, I was also very spoiled--because I earned it. So if I did good in school, I could have whatever I wanted for birthdays, holidays, etc. I wasn't some crazy tantrum throwing child who was an asshole to people. I've always been a bit to myself, loud when I talk to people and have fun, but pretty much 'mature' if that's a good way to put it?
When I was little, I was the biggest Daddy's girl. I grew up like a little boy, playing video games and loving cars, and dressing like a goth boy... BUT, when I hit high school, I realized--I'M A GIRL. and started to enjoy girl things again. I never grew up sheltered, my parents always showed my R rated movies and told me the truth about everything... And yet I still get really weird when a normal movie starts showing hardcore sexy things and I get weird when people use the real terms for private parts and whatnot. Makes no sense, I know.
I had friends growing up, but I always went to different schools than most for middle and high school, so I don't have anyone that has stayed around for very long. As a result, I have always been quite the homebody and stuck with my mommy who takes care of me and tells me how things are without sugar coating things. Many people would and probably think of my mom's teaching is a bit...rough. When I started struggling with mental health problems...she always told me that I don't need to see someone who is just going to prescribe a bunch of unnecessary medications and to get over it.
Her tough love has trained me to be a stronger person than I have always thought I was. The reason I was always pretty in line with things and didn't go buck wild, was because I was so afraid my mom would beat the crap out of me. She never did though (except for maybe a smack on my rear when I was small), and despite that, soon as I saw her hand raise--I stopped, in my tracks for fear of what could come.
But even though I have/had a fear for the hand that feeds--I love my mommy unconditionally and do my best to make her proud of me...and will probably continue to do so till the day I die.
In my personal opinion, very poorly.
Every day (even when I studied abroad in Kyoto), I Skype with my mom in the morning and evening. I send her messages on LINE the minute I wake up, when I go to sleep, and except sometimes on the weekends, every time I go somewhere. My mother knows everything I do...all the time.
I have this theory that if anything should ever happen to me, my mom, even though she's a million miles away..she can help me and fix the problem.
Some people are thinking, "You're how old and need to talk to your mom THAT much?"
In short. Yes.
If you want to know the embarrassing truth, I cannot make big financial decisions without her... I have texted her at 3am (her time) asking if it's a good idea to buy a chair for 30$...which she reminded me that I needed a rice cooker more than the chair and I waited, got the chair at a later date.
My mom is my hero, my mom is my life, my mom is the most important person in my life.
I love my dad too, don't get me wrong. He loves cars, and I make sure to get him whatever Tomica he's looking for and make sure to send him care packages of Skylines and cars every so often.
But my mom, is the reason I am where I am, and the person that I am today.
I cry about once a month because I miss her so much, and I tell her I want to go home...but then she tells me she won't pay for my plane ticket and logically brings me back down from my crazy high of wanting to give everything up and live at home for the rest of my life...
I am sure that people living abroad are super homesick, and I hope those people know that it's ok...and you're not alone. I know my Twitter friends will agree when every so often, that 'I just wanna go home' feeling creeps harder than ever and you just want to curl into a ball and hop on a plane.
Adulting is hard, it fucking sucks, but we are all in it together, and the Internet helps us cope.
I hope that if anyone feels the pressure of homesickness, that you can find a happy place and good reasons to keep you here. But to know that it's also ok to go back home, people need what people need.
I once read in an article that happy people are happy anywhere, but I am happy to be where ever my mom is at, but for now--slowly, I'm learning to be happy with her far away too.
Thanks for reading.

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